In previous posts on leader coaching, we’ve covered why coaching matters, when you should try to coach team members and how to ask effective coaching questions.

But there's an important and slightly uncomfortable truth about coaching we need to consider: even the best question in the world is worthless if you don't listen properly to the answer.

And most of us don't.

We think we're listening. We're nodding. We're making the right noises. We're waiting for the other person to finish so we can move the conversation along.

But that's not listening. That's just being polite while your brain does something else entirely.

If you want your coaching conversations to lead to co-created outcomes that actually develop your team members, you need to master a different kind of listening. One that creates space for people to think, rather than one that fills that space with your own agenda.

Jennifer Garvey Berger, a developmental coach and leadership thinker, describes three distinct ways that we listen. Understanding them is the first step to choosing how to listen effectively. And believe me, it is a choice.

Listening to win. This is the most surface-level kind of listening. You're gathering just enough information to dismiss the problem, convince the person they're overreacting, or shut the conversation down so you can get on with your day. You might say things like "It's not that bad" or "This will all blow over" or "it’s no a priority right now, so no need to worry about it?"

The person leaves you alone. You've "won". But nothing has changed and you, and they, have learned nothing.

Listening to fix. This one feels more engaged. You're gathering information so you can diagnose the problem and prescribe a solution. Your brain is pattern-matching: "Ah, I've seen this before. Here's what you need to do."

Most managers default to this mode. It feels helpful. It feels efficient. And sometimes it's exactly what's needed, for example in a real crisis or where an urgent solution is required.

But in a coaching context, listening to fix has a significant flaw. You're listening through the filter of your own experience and your existing mental models. You're looking for the data that confirms your diagnosis. You're not really trying to understand the other person's world — you're trying to fit their problem into your framework so you can solve it for them.

Listening to learn. This is the deepest and most demanding form of listening. You go in without a solution in mind. You're not trying to make the problem go away. Instead, you're trying to understand the person's world; how they see things, what matters to them, what they have learned already about the problem and, importantly, what's really going on beneath the surface of what they're saying.

Garvey Berger puts it beautifully: you need to switch into this mode when "you don't know what the solution is, and even more so, you don't quite know what the problem is."

This is the listening that makes coaching work.

If listening to learn is so powerful, why don't we do it more often?

Partly, it is because we forget to. We easily default to win or fix it mode, because that is what we are used to. That is why we have to be deliberate and making listening to learn a conscious choice.

But we also don’t do it because it's uncomfortable.

It requires you to tolerate not knowing and being seen not to know. It means sitting with ambiguity rather than rushing to resolution. It demands that you put aside your expertise — the very thing that probably got you promoted — and be genuinely curious about someone else's perspective.

And it takes time. In a world where your inbox is overflowing and your calendar is stacked with meetings, spending fifteen minutes really listening to someone feels like a luxury you can't afford.

But I know from my own experience that that fifteen minutes of genuine listening often saves hours of miscommunication, rework, and disengagement down the line.

So how do you actually do this? Here are some practical shifts you can make.

Resist the urge to solve. When someone describes a problem, notice the impulse that arises to fix it. Don't act on it immediately. Instead, get curious about their experience of the problem. What makes it difficult for them? What have they already tried? What would a good outcome look like from their perspective?

Listen for what's not being said. Pay attention to hesitations, changes in tone, things that get glossed over quickly. These often signal where the real issue lies. You might gently explore: "You mentioned the project timeline quite briefly. Is there more to that?"

Check your own reactions. What are you feeling as you listen? Impatience? Recognition? Disagreement? Your emotional responses are data too. They might tell you something about the situation, or they might tell you that your own biases are getting in the way.

Get comfortable with silence. After someone finishes speaking, wait. Don't jump in immediately. Give them space to add more, to go deeper, to surprise themselves with what they say next. Some of the most valuable insights emerge in the pause after someone thinks they've finished.

Reflect back what you're hearing. Not to show that you've understood, but to help them hear their own thinking. "So it sounds like the main tension is between..." This is not about being right, it's about offering them a mirror; being reflective.

Ask what they're noticing. Rather than telling them what you've observed, invite them to make their own connections. "What are you noticing as you talk about this?" "What's becoming clearer?"

Here's something that trips up many new leaders: you probably got promoted because you're good at solving problems. You have expertise. You have experience. You've seen situations like this before and you know what works.

So when someone comes to you with a problem, your brain immediately starts generating solutions. It feels almost irresponsible not to share them.

But in coaching, your expertise can become a barrier. When you listen through the lens of "I know how to fix this", you stop being curious about what the other person knows. You crowd out their thinking with your own.

The skill is knowing when to deploy your expertise and when to hold it back. As a general rule: if you're coaching, hold back. Let them find their own path first. You can always offer your perspective later if they need it.

I've written before about how listening builds trust and engagement. Research consistently shows that leaders who listen well are perceived as more trustworthy, more approachable, and more effective.

But in a coaching context, the benefits go further. When you listen to learn, you're not just building the relationship, you're creating the conditions for the other person to think more clearly, see new possibilities, and develop their own capability.

Garvey Berger herself notes: "I am continually surprised by the power of genuine listening. People who are led by their curiosity and who genuinely listen to the perspectives of others, they learn like crazy."

And here's the thing: so will you. Every coaching conversation where you truly listen is an opportunity to understand your team, your organisation, and your own assumptions a little better.

Before your next coaching conversation, ask yourself: which kind of listening am I defaulting to?

If you notice yourself in "win" mode (just trying to make this go away) or "fix" mode (already formulating solutions), see if you can shift into "learn" mode instead. Get curious. Tolerate not knowing. Let the other person's thinking unfold.

It's harder. It takes longer. But it's the listening that actually develops people, and ultimatley leads to the increasing strength and effectiveness of your team.

Garvey Berger, J. (2019). Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps: How to Thrive in Complexity. Stanford Business Books.

Garvey Berger, J. & Johnston, K. (2015). Simple Habits for Complex Times: Powerful Practices for Leaders. Stanford Business Books.

Parrish, S. (2018). The Mental Habits of Effective Leaders: Interview with Jennifer Garvey Berger. The Knowledge Project Podcast, Episode 43. Farnam Street.

This post is part of a series on coaching your team. You can find the previous posts here:

All of my posts for new leaders are here.

I am putting together a downloadable guide, with scripts, templates and checklists that you will be able to use to easily coach your team. This will enable you to develop your team members, reduce your own workload and build your credibility as a leader.

Hit reply now to and tell me you are interested in this and I’ll put you on the waitlist. If you just reply with the word ‘Interested’. That is enough.